The Losers 2010
"The best use of "Don't Stop Believin'" I've heard. Top notch idiocy."
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus 2009
"Don't build your hopes up for a swan song. Do build your hopes up for great Terry Gilliam Madness"
Pearl Jam Twenty 2011
"It made me heart them even more."
Friday, September 23, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Quotes For The Box
Year One 2009
"Not sure how many films they are trying to pack into one here. Also the editor of this was fucking tripping the whole time"
Marley & Me 2008
"Seriously. If you read the premise you know exactly what is going to happen. But, it's still very upsetting."
"Not sure how many films they are trying to pack into one here. Also the editor of this was fucking tripping the whole time"
Marley & Me 2008
"Seriously. If you read the premise you know exactly what is going to happen. But, it's still very upsetting."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I Think I'm Funnier Than I Am.
TAS is on holiday.
She is going to Rome tomorrow.
She asked me to look up some Italian phrases that may be of use to her.
This is what I have sent to her.
Bene. .....when in Roma Well......when in Rome
È così la sua faccia. So is your face.
È così la sua mamma. So is your mum
Oi, il contadino. Oi, peasant
Dove è il... Where is the...
museo. museum
gabinetto toilet
uscita. Exit
Farla parla degli inglesi. Do you speak English
Farla parla degli inglesi come se lei era une persone civilizzate? Do you speak English as if you were a civilized people?
Ho visto la vacanza Europea. So ciò che lei il lotto è come. I've seen European vacation. I know what you lot are like
Lei ha qualunque cibo che non è il drenched nell'olio d'oliva? Do you have any food that isn't drenched in olive oil?
Appena mostrarlo la bustina di tè. Just show it the teabag
Dove lei nutre i cristiani ai leoni questi giorni? Where do you feed Christians to lions these days?
I am hilarious.
She is going to Rome tomorrow.
She asked me to look up some Italian phrases that may be of use to her.
This is what I have sent to her.
Bene. .....when in Roma Well......when in Rome
È così la sua faccia. So is your face.
È così la sua mamma. So is your mum
Oi, il contadino. Oi, peasant
Dove è il... Where is the...
museo. museum
gabinetto toilet
uscita. Exit
Farla parla degli inglesi. Do you speak English
Farla parla degli inglesi come se lei era une persone civilizzate? Do you speak English as if you were a civilized people?
Ho visto la vacanza Europea. So ciò che lei il lotto è come. I've seen European vacation. I know what you lot are like
Lei ha qualunque cibo che non è il drenched nell'olio d'oliva? Do you have any food that isn't drenched in olive oil?
Appena mostrarlo la bustina di tè. Just show it the teabag
Dove lei nutre i cristiani ai leoni questi giorni? Where do you feed Christians to lions these days?
I am hilarious.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Well, The Kaiser Chiefs Did Predict It
The country has gone mad. It's official.
What started as a mindless riot against the police for shooting someone has now become a nationwide looting spree.
Nothing more and nothing less.
I am very lucky to not only live far away from all of this crap, but also to work far enough away from all of the crap.
That is, until this Saturday.
On the 13th August the EDL will be marching through Wellington (10mins away from my work). The EDL are easily spotted on TV and other media. They're the ones that look really un-evolved. Knuckles dragging on the floor and a forehead that sticks out more than their beer bellies. Long and short, they're idiots.
The EDL are against England falling under Sharia Law. They don't like Muslims and feel that all Muslims should "go home". Unless they were born in the UK, in which case they are required to go somewhere foreign where the EDL don't have to see them. Somewhere that isn't En-gur-land.
They don't like extremists. I have to agree with them on that one. Extremists scare me. Anyone that is *that* fanatical about religion or massively bigoted points of view are normally mental in more than one way. But because the EDL always gather in their thousands and chant, and fight and voice their opinions in loud swearing ill-educated ways I would argue that they are also extremists. Racist Extremists and so they fall into the "They scare me because they are fucking nutters" category.
I am a big fan of freedom of speech which means everyone is entitled to voice their opinion. But in the case of the EDL and other extremists, I think they should keep quiet more often than say....breathing.
But it got me thinking. What am I really opposed to? What group could I start that has little to no basis in reality, but that I could get people behind. Get lots of people fired up and ready to fight about it. Here are my ideas.
Extreme Political Correctness.
The EPS would take political correctness to scary new places. I like political correctness. The manners that it has forced upon morons is great. "Oh you can't say such and such a word anymore." Normally this is due to an offensive word being said and someone showing disdain for it. If a word offends someone, then you *shouldn't* be saying words like that. It's just good manners if nothing else.
We would take this a step too far of course. Or a step too far enough depending on how you look at it. We wouldn't allow people to refer to black people as black. Because black could be offensive to the shade black, as it discriminates against it rather than keep it in with other tints, tones and colours.
United Against Michael Bay
We would never: set fire to anything, blow anything up, move in slow motion or ever use a segway and go round and round and round and round to do that spinning shot thing that makes me want to vomit. We would stand outside cinemas showing Transformers 3 and hand out Wes Anderson DVDs for people to watch instead.
To be fair, people would get to see much better films.
Church Of Pearl Jam
We would gather and listen to Pearl Jam. Discuss gig experiences. We would also go around and fight Bush and Creed fans in a Jets Vs Sharks style gang fight.
Fingernail Defence League.
I have a major issue with fingernails. I hate them. If my finger nails get too long (about 3-5mm of white showing) then they itch and I need to cut them. I have had to go out and buy nail cutters whilst on holiday because they have grown too long and I can't cope.
This might make me look a bit mental. Imagine you had longish nails. Imagine an old wooden drawer. Imagine catching your nail on the base of the drawer as you pick something up. That feeling makes me want to rip my face off. Like in face off. It has the same effect on me as nails on a chalk board has on people. As it happens nails on a chalk board don't really bother me. The thought of catching a nail and it ripping off drives me insane.
We would meet up and set fire to manicure shops. The FDL have one very focused task. Destroy fingernails.
Meat Eaters Against Twats
Red meat is really bad for you. Red Meat comes from cows. All cows eat is grass. Ergo being a vegetarian is bad.
Just follow this simple mathematical equation.
Human + Solely Vegetarian Diet = Twatish Human.
We should rally around and burn down tofu plantations. Beat to death farmers that don't breed animals for food.
It almost seems daft to be beating up vegetarians as they are too weak to fight back. But screw it, this is meant to be an idiotic group so we *will* start attacking the fussy eating bastards.
Beat them to death.
Then eat them.
What started as a mindless riot against the police for shooting someone has now become a nationwide looting spree.
Nothing more and nothing less.
I am very lucky to not only live far away from all of this crap, but also to work far enough away from all of the crap.
That is, until this Saturday.
On the 13th August the EDL will be marching through Wellington (10mins away from my work). The EDL are easily spotted on TV and other media. They're the ones that look really un-evolved. Knuckles dragging on the floor and a forehead that sticks out more than their beer bellies. Long and short, they're idiots.
The EDL are against England falling under Sharia Law. They don't like Muslims and feel that all Muslims should "go home". Unless they were born in the UK, in which case they are required to go somewhere foreign where the EDL don't have to see them. Somewhere that isn't En-gur-land.
They don't like extremists. I have to agree with them on that one. Extremists scare me. Anyone that is *that* fanatical about religion or massively bigoted points of view are normally mental in more than one way. But because the EDL always gather in their thousands and chant, and fight and voice their opinions in loud swearing ill-educated ways I would argue that they are also extremists. Racist Extremists and so they fall into the "They scare me because they are fucking nutters" category.
I am a big fan of freedom of speech which means everyone is entitled to voice their opinion. But in the case of the EDL and other extremists, I think they should keep quiet more often than say....breathing.
But it got me thinking. What am I really opposed to? What group could I start that has little to no basis in reality, but that I could get people behind. Get lots of people fired up and ready to fight about it. Here are my ideas.
Extreme Political Correctness.
The EPS would take political correctness to scary new places. I like political correctness. The manners that it has forced upon morons is great. "Oh you can't say such and such a word anymore." Normally this is due to an offensive word being said and someone showing disdain for it. If a word offends someone, then you *shouldn't* be saying words like that. It's just good manners if nothing else.
We would take this a step too far of course. Or a step too far enough depending on how you look at it. We wouldn't allow people to refer to black people as black. Because black could be offensive to the shade black, as it discriminates against it rather than keep it in with other tints, tones and colours.
United Against Michael Bay
We would never: set fire to anything, blow anything up, move in slow motion or ever use a segway and go round and round and round and round to do that spinning shot thing that makes me want to vomit. We would stand outside cinemas showing Transformers 3 and hand out Wes Anderson DVDs for people to watch instead.
To be fair, people would get to see much better films.
Church Of Pearl Jam
We would gather and listen to Pearl Jam. Discuss gig experiences. We would also go around and fight Bush and Creed fans in a Jets Vs Sharks style gang fight.
Fingernail Defence League.
I have a major issue with fingernails. I hate them. If my finger nails get too long (about 3-5mm of white showing) then they itch and I need to cut them. I have had to go out and buy nail cutters whilst on holiday because they have grown too long and I can't cope.
This might make me look a bit mental. Imagine you had longish nails. Imagine an old wooden drawer. Imagine catching your nail on the base of the drawer as you pick something up. That feeling makes me want to rip my face off. Like in face off. It has the same effect on me as nails on a chalk board has on people. As it happens nails on a chalk board don't really bother me. The thought of catching a nail and it ripping off drives me insane.
We would meet up and set fire to manicure shops. The FDL have one very focused task. Destroy fingernails.
Meat Eaters Against Twats
Red meat is really bad for you. Red Meat comes from cows. All cows eat is grass. Ergo being a vegetarian is bad.
Just follow this simple mathematical equation.
Human + Solely Vegetarian Diet = Twatish Human.
We should rally around and burn down tofu plantations. Beat to death farmers that don't breed animals for food.
It almost seems daft to be beating up vegetarians as they are too weak to fight back. But screw it, this is meant to be an idiotic group so we *will* start attacking the fussy eating bastards.
Beat them to death.
Then eat them.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Wrong Words
The kids have been saying it for ages. I have ignored them. But now grown people, people that have left school for many years, are using this word all the time. It's beginning to piss me off.
Random.
The amount of people that say this word in the wrong place really grates on me. Perfect example.
Last Halloween I went to the supermarket close to my work. I went to buy twelve pumpkins for us to make a display for the window.
On the way back to work I passed some emo kids. One of them said
"That's random" and pointed at my trolley.
NO! It's not random. I had purpose. I went to the supermarket with the sole intention of buying twelve pumpkins. I had then planned to go back to work with them. I organised to use a trolley as I would be unable to carry them all in one trip. So from my point of view this was not random in anyway.
But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. Let's see it from his point of view.
"It's nearly Halloween. This gives me slight justification to cover myself in blood and dress in even more black. Plus if I am really lucky all of the females will dress really slutty and I get to stare at them and pretend to be unhappy about it all. Oh, look a trolley full of pumpkins.....at Halloween. That's not a rare sight to be fair. It'd be like seeing a trolley of Xmas presents at Christmas, but I only have a limited vocabulary. How do I point out this sight to my friends? I've got it! 'That's Random'. Why are the hitting me? Is this random?"
That's how I imagine it anyway.
In all serious it annoys me how everyone keeps labelling things random, because it's easy. I left an item on a persons desk the other day. I just happened to be walking past and got called to do something else, so put it there to come back to. On my way back to this persons desk I saw them holding the item and saying "Look what someone left on my desk. That's a bit random!"
Again. This is not random. I could understand if the item in question was a bulls head. Or perhaps if it was a bag of thirteen human forefingers. But it was a stapler. Was this a random item to find....on a desk.....in an office? The only way I could see this being read as a random act was the fact that the stapler had "Craigs Stapler" written on it and why on Earth would my stapler be on someones desk that is not mine.
Again, I had purpose, I had reasoning for what had happened. This takes away any random aspects. I wasn't walking around without aim carrying any old thing, then blindly walked into a room disorientated and threw the item away with no form of selection of where it was going to end. This would have made the discovery of the stapler on a desk random.
You could try and argue that the discovery of my stapler on someone else desk was random as it was not their stapler, nor my desk. However I would argue that it was more unexpected.
So unless, you want me to rant at you about the misuse of this word I wouldn't start that one.
So listen up world, stop using the word random.
Lest I slap you in the face with a salmon.
Random.
The amount of people that say this word in the wrong place really grates on me. Perfect example.
Last Halloween I went to the supermarket close to my work. I went to buy twelve pumpkins for us to make a display for the window.
On the way back to work I passed some emo kids. One of them said
"That's random" and pointed at my trolley.
NO! It's not random. I had purpose. I went to the supermarket with the sole intention of buying twelve pumpkins. I had then planned to go back to work with them. I organised to use a trolley as I would be unable to carry them all in one trip. So from my point of view this was not random in anyway.
But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. Let's see it from his point of view.
"It's nearly Halloween. This gives me slight justification to cover myself in blood and dress in even more black. Plus if I am really lucky all of the females will dress really slutty and I get to stare at them and pretend to be unhappy about it all. Oh, look a trolley full of pumpkins.....at Halloween. That's not a rare sight to be fair. It'd be like seeing a trolley of Xmas presents at Christmas, but I only have a limited vocabulary. How do I point out this sight to my friends? I've got it! 'That's Random'. Why are the hitting me? Is this random?"
That's how I imagine it anyway.
In all serious it annoys me how everyone keeps labelling things random, because it's easy. I left an item on a persons desk the other day. I just happened to be walking past and got called to do something else, so put it there to come back to. On my way back to this persons desk I saw them holding the item and saying "Look what someone left on my desk. That's a bit random!"
Again. This is not random. I could understand if the item in question was a bulls head. Or perhaps if it was a bag of thirteen human forefingers. But it was a stapler. Was this a random item to find....on a desk.....in an office? The only way I could see this being read as a random act was the fact that the stapler had "Craigs Stapler" written on it and why on Earth would my stapler be on someones desk that is not mine.
Again, I had purpose, I had reasoning for what had happened. This takes away any random aspects. I wasn't walking around without aim carrying any old thing, then blindly walked into a room disorientated and threw the item away with no form of selection of where it was going to end. This would have made the discovery of the stapler on a desk random.
You could try and argue that the discovery of my stapler on someone else desk was random as it was not their stapler, nor my desk. However I would argue that it was more unexpected.
So unless, you want me to rant at you about the misuse of this word I wouldn't start that one.
So listen up world, stop using the word random.
Lest I slap you in the face with a salmon.
Quotes For The Box
Todays viewing in order.
How To Train Your Dragon (2010)
"A Film that is *as* good as everyone says...apart from the people that say it's shit. Those people are wrong"
The Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)
"Well....it's better than Golden Compass"
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
"John C Reilly is pretty funny. Other than that I'm not even sure I watched a film"
Shutter Island (2010)
"I've worked this out.....oh wait.....hang on.....err...I sorta got it?"
How To Train Your Dragon (2010)
"A Film that is *as* good as everyone says...apart from the people that say it's shit. Those people are wrong"
The Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)
"Well....it's better than Golden Compass"
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
"John C Reilly is pretty funny. Other than that I'm not even sure I watched a film"
Shutter Island (2010)
"I've worked this out.....oh wait.....hang on.....err...I sorta got it?"
Friday, August 05, 2011
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